ep. 035 • I'm a Selfish Mom (And I Don't Regret It)

Chelsea: On the heels of Mother's Day, I'm here talking all about how I'm, frankly, a selfish mom and how I have zero regrets about it. You know, today there are so many societal expectations around what a mom should and shouldn't do how she should carry on, how her children should be her number one priority, and frankly, I don't think that has to be the case.

In this episode, I'm sharing about my experience as a mother, as a business owner, and as a woman who's just figuring it out and trying to honor herself in the most authentic ways in the process. Whether you're a parent, a caregiver, or someone else who's constantly in that role of servitude to others, I think you're really going to love this episode. 

Welcome to the Hennapreneur podcast – the exclusive podcast of its kind dedicated to giving you an honest look at the realities of making a living as a henna professional.

I'm your host, Chelsea Stevenson, a tea-loving, shoe-collecting mother of three in constant search for the most popping pair of earrings and the perfect shade of red lipstick.

I'm also a professional henna artist and business strategist who went from barely being able to piece together a fluid design to being the owner of the most celebrated henna boutique in my city.

I'm on a mission to help henna professionals, to harness their skills and grow vibrant, profitable businesses that they absolutely love.

If you want to make more money with your art, you are definitely in the right place. Let's get to it!

Hey, hey, hennapreneurs! Welcome to another episode of the Hennapreneur podcast. You know, we are just coming off of mother's day weekend, and it has sparked in me the want to discuss with you something that, frankly, I used to have a lot of shame about, and now I don't. And so here I am hoping to provide you with a little bit more space and permission to own your own realities and feel a little bit less shame, hopefully, a lot less shame if any of this applies to you. So as we are, as we're coming out of mother's day weekend, right? Which, this is the thing, I don't know about y'all but I feel like mother's day weekend is one of those times where, you know, the day after mother's day, what do we do as moms? We do the things that we didn't do on Sunday because it was mother's day and it's really ironic. And it's actually really horrible. And, um, I have a lot of feelings about that, and we're not even gonna get into it, but the bottom line is moms are exhausted and there is so much pressure placed on our shoulders as, um, as mothers, as, uh, mothers, specifically, who are owning businesses, who are running businesses, who are acting in that entrepreneurial space, there's a lot of pressure on us to get everything right. I feel like, uh, at least in my experience there has been always kind of like this lingering heavy feeling, right, over me and, you know, on my shoulders that says you have to do X, Y, and Z. You have to be the best mom. You have to show up for this. You have to, you know, keep your composure. You can't yell at your children. You can't, um, you know, fly off the handle. You can't prioritize work over home. You can't make time for yourself. Um, your kids always have to come first. And I don't think that that has to be true. But it took me a long time for me to get to this place.

 And this is something that oftentimes will come up when I'm coaching and it comes up often, you know, as I'm working with my students inside of, you know, my program Hennapreneur PRO, or even when I'm working one-on-one with clients during virtual VIP days.  Often, you know, we'll come to this place where we discuss, um, our own capacities or we discuss, you know, time management or we discuss all of these things that would point to an inadequacy of some value on our parts as the mom, as the wife, as the care provider, as the business owner. And I am so tired of it. Like I'm so sick and tired of it because all of that sort of rhetoric does is create an environment in which, you know, hennapreneurs like you and I, who are parents as well, feel like we are dropping the ball. And we feel so much that we're dropping the ball that we stand to get in our own way, because we're like, there's no way we can do it all. There's no way that we can be successful. There's no way that we can own our dreams and also show up properly for our children, for our families, and so forth.

And for us to create these sorts of experiences, right? For us to create this sort of environment, um, that, really, it sets us up for failure. And it, truly, it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy, right?

It does us all a disservice and as we are looking towards the future that we're hoping to build by way of our businesses, we can't afford to make those mistakes. We can't afford to buy into those rhetorics. We can't afford to continue to allow this, like, antiquated, archaic, and very, like, ridiculously patriarchal and very colonized mentality around what the role of a woman, mother, entrepreneur is, right?

And so, today, I am making a very firm stand and I hope that you will, you know,  will hang around with me while I kind of break this down. Um, but I want to be super, super clear about where I've landed today. My kids are not my priority. That's that. That's that. And I've said this before, and when I say this, oftentimes, like, the room gets a little bit quiet and people kind of give me the side eye, and it's like, well, what does that really  mean? Because these are not words that mothers are taught to say. These are not words that women are taught are taught to say. We are taught to prioritize our children. They come first. Their needs come first. Their wants come first. Their well-being comes first. They get put in the forefront of all of the decision-making. Everything that we do inside of our lives should revolve around what our children think, feel, experience.

I don't think that's true. I believe that I should have every right to come first. And of course, by proxy you as well. You have every right to be first. You have every right to be your number one priority.

And for me, coming to that place was really hard because that's not something that had been modeled for me growing up. You know, I'm the oldest of seven. Um, but growing up, uh, you know, when I was, when I was a child, primarily through my childhood, there were three of us.  I left the home very early and, you know, at that point in time, there were additional children in the home. And so at that point, by the time I'd left home, there were seven of us.  But through the majority of my childhood and my upbringing, there were three of us present. And my dad is a single parent and, um, I watched my dad do all the things. Um, you know, he, he struggled.  He went through it. He did his very, very best. And for that, I have all of the respect and love in the world for him.  And also I never saw him take time for himself. I cannot remember a single time in my childhood where I saw my father put himself first in the ways that he likely needed it. 

Honestly, as I was just kind of like recalling things, moments inside of my childhood where my dad would do things that would be like, you know, unique to him or where he would put himself first. They were very, very insignificant.

For example, I remember my dad, when I was young, there was a particular candy bar that he used to buy. And it was a candy bar that it was, like, close to his heart because he would see it growing up as a child and it wasn't always possible for him to purchase that candy bar. If you guys don't know my story, I mean, I've talked a little bit about my history and my upbringing, but my father, you know, my father was raised in the projects. And so, some of those things were not easily accessible to him. And so there was this particular candy bar that, you know, I remember as a child hearing my dad talk about because when he saw it in the store one day, he got really excited about it. And he told me about how, you know, when he was little, he always wanted that particular candy bar, but purchasing that was not always a viable option, right? Purchasing that was not always a possibility.

And so, in looking back at my own childhood, um, there were times where I would catch my dad buying that candy bar and like, hiding it. Like, that would be his little thing that he would do to treat himself. I'd find the candy bar, like, in the refrigerator or find a candy bar, like, kind of hidden over there somewhere. Um, but really that is the extent to which I saw my father practice self-care and put himself first. In all other instances, when I think about the way that I was raised, my dad put us kids first. The things that he purchased at the grocery store, the way that he planned his day, um, when he was out, you know, uh, dating or trying to find his life partner, his next life partner, or whatever, like, all of those things were always considered through this lens of how does it impact my children? Are my children happy with this? Comfortable with this? Blah, blah blah.

 And because I was the eldest, a lot of times we would have conversations around those things and he would solicit my opinion around those things, which led to a very tight, you know, and close-knit relationship between he and I. But as an adult now, and as a parent, you know, as a mother to three children, I now see, looking back, how sacrificial that's behavior was. How self-sacrificial specifically, that behavior was. And a part of me, um, while I very much appreciate that, a part of me grieves what my father lost in his, you know, young adulthood because he was so focused on making sure that we were the priority. And I don't think that he ever made the space to prioritize himself.

And so, because I have that, um, that sort of perspective, now I, in my own parenting have decided to do things very different and that's where I say, you know,  this is something that's, it's not normal to me, um, quote/unquote. Like, it's not normal. This is not something that was modeled for me. This is definitely something that took, uh, me getting very uncomfortable to come to terms with. And also it's something that is paying me off in dividends, okay?

For me, instead of prioritizing my children's wants, needs, experiences, whatever, I've decided that I need to prioritize myself. I have to prioritize my own care. I have to prioritize my own time, my own feelings and thoughts and emotions and the experiences that I am having, because I am full adult. I am a full human being, right? I'm a full individual who has a right to her own desires. Who has a right to her own dreams. Who has a right to her own goals. Um, and who has a right  to chase after and build the life that she wants for herself. And those children that I have are an enhancement to that experience, but they are not, in any way,  the end all be all of that experience. And they certainly aren't the directors of that story, right? They get to be supporting roles, but I'm the main character, right? This life is one and it's mine, and my kids support. They have supporting roles in this story, but they don't get to be the main character. They can't. They can't.

And so, for me, making that shift and beginning to treat myself and treat my decision-making, um, you know, in this way and doing so while looking through this lens was really hard for me at first. Um, it was hard for me to, uh, to, to take time away. It was hard for me to say no. It was hard for me to, um, you know, step away from what society says mothers should be and should do and to instead say: well, I don't really want that. I don't really want that. So no, I'm not going. You know? No, I'm not going to the playground today. I'm, like, I'm not going to do it. I'm not scheduling that play date. I'm not going to do it. It doesn't bring me any amount of joy.

 Now, please understand, you know, there's some give and take that happens here. Of course, like, our job as parents is to definitely afford our children with the things  that are helpful and useful and whatnot to them. And so there are times obviously as a parent, um, where we, uh, you know, experienced sacrifice. However, I'm not going to live my entire life as the sacrificial lamb to my children, I just won't. And, um, and that's not to say that there's anything wrong with that. Like, I think that the guilt that's associated with women owning their power and with women owning their experiences and saying, no, I'm going to put me first, it's ridiculous. And frankly, it's ridiculous.

As much as we carry. As much as it's placed on our plates. As much as, um, our society's norms would indicate that we are responsible for all that and the kitchen sink, right? Like, it makes no sense that we would then be penalized or then be shamed or then be looked down upon when we say, "No, I need a break. And I need some time for myself." And so I'm working to change that narrative and I'm working to change that expectation and to change that modeling for my children. Um, and especially, I mean, not just for my daughters, but especially so for my son who, you know, is going to go out in the world one day and he will have his own partner, right? And like, what does that say for him to see, for him to witness his mother behave in a certain way. Um, that's going to set the tone for how he also anticipates in for his partner to behave and how he's going to allow space and create space for his partner to also, you know, have, have the experiences that they wish for themselves.

And this is where I get the most, um, uh, riled up, if you will, to be honest, about this whole idea. It's like, part of the requirement of parenthood, right, is to prepare our children for what's better for them and the world later on, right? We're preparing them for adulthood. We're preparing them for the world that awaits them outside of, you know, the four walls of our home. And how do you do that while also, um, placing these sorts of expectations on them that say, no, you have to be self-sacrificing to the point of no return. You have to self sacrifice to the point of, you know, you know,  these feelings of inadequacy or these feelings of, being unfulfilled or these feelings of being insignificant or insufficient, or somehow being less than. You have to be a second class citizen in order to be a good person. You have to be of servitude to everyone or else you are, you know, you're just, you're just selfish.

Listen, if I am going to be labeled selfish,  just give me the label. Just give me the label and I'll live with that because what I see myself doing is modeling self-honoring behaviors for my children. And that is more important to me than any opinion that anyone else could have about me. I know that I'm creating when I, you know, when I go to work or when I make time for myself, when I buy myself the extra pair of shoes, when I say, "You know what? No, I love that shade of lipstick. I'm taking it,"  when I go and I buy myself flowers, you know, when I take the 10 minutes to enjoy my hot cup of tea and don't allow for anyone to interrupt me, when I sit down and journal, when I take my 15 minutes outside in the car before I come inside my home after a long day at the boutique, like, that is me modeling self-honoring behaviors for my children.

What they're seeing is mom has a need and she is willing to meet that need for herself. Mom has a need and she's giving herself permission to meet that need with whatever means is appropriate at that time. And how empowering is it for a child to witness this sort of behavior and to come to understand for it to be very natural and to be very normal for them to not only acknowledge their wants, acknowledge their desires, acknowledge their needs, but also feel like they have permission and autonomy to do  or take or buy or build or create whatever it is that's going to allow for them to meet those things. Obviously, within the bounds of self-respect and integrity, right?

So for me, I feel that, um, in modeling this  self-honoring behavior, what I'm doing is actually furthering the legacy that I'm hoping to leave for my children, and not just taking care of myself today. The payoff is way further down the line. The payoff isn't just that I, you know, feel a little bit more sane at the end of the day or that I have more patience  with my family or that I have more, um, you know, capacity, more bandwidth when it's a long day and know, they're bickering in the living room over their toys or whatever, right? It's not just that. I'm also setting them up for success because I'm honoring myself, feeding myself, fueling myself, nurturing myself, and providing a very tangible, very practical, uh, practical example of what that looks like for them to be able to identify as what was normal for them later on as well in their adult lives.

And speaking of their adult lives, this is something that, um, is very, very close to my heart because I'm always thinking way down the line, right? I'm always thinking down the line. You guys know, like, strategy is my jam. And so even as I am quote/unquote, strategizing right around how what I do today affects and impacts my children later on, I understand, and I truly believe, and, and obviously I don't have a– there's no manual for Parenthood, right? And I don't have a crystal ball, so I'm just hoping that I got this right. So what I'm about to say next, you can take it or leave it, but this is truly my belief.

 I believe that if I were to place my children first in every way and if I were to scale back on taking care of myself and if I were to shy away from what my own needs and wants and desires are, right? Then what happens later on when my children who, you know, at the time of recording this, my kids they're 4, 6, and 11, right? What happens when they're in their twenties? What happens when they're in their thirties? What happens when I'm no longer around?

Are they going to look back and say, "I didn't know my mom. I didn't really know her. She was really loving. She was super nurturing. And also, I don't feel like I really knew her. I didn't know her dreams. I didn't know her aspirations. I didn't know what made her laugh. I didn't know  what made her cry. I didn't know what her story was. I didn't know the things that she loved. I didn't know what it was that brought her a tear of joy. And I didn't know how I could cheer her up during those times of sadness, because I really didn't know her."

I want my kids to know me. And the only way that they're going to know me is if I'm a full and complete and authentic version of me right now today in front of them. And part of me honoring that complete and full and authentic version of me is taking care of me and putting me first. Now, that looks really different depending on what season I'm in, right?

 Let's be real, okay. Not everyone has the means or the ability to go off and do the weekend trips or to take a week off and go to the islands. Like, I get it. It took me time to get there. It took me time to build my business to a place that would allow for me to do those things. And circumstances changed, right? You may or may not be partnered. You may or may not have, you know, particular resources. You may or may not have family nearby. You may or may not have a support system around you that makes things easy. I get that a hundred percent. So depending on the season that you're in inside of your life and inside of your business, this is going to look different.

But what I will say is that there has to be some amount of truly, like, owning your needs, owning your wants, and owning your requirements for self-care, your requirements for maintenance. And maybe that maintenance looks like the 10 minutes of quiet with a cup of tea, right? It costs next to nothing. You just have your time. Maybe that maintenance looks like having a 30-minute walk around the park. Maybe that maintenance looks like painting your nails. Like, I don't know what that is for you. But whatever it is, own it. And do it. Do it. Prioritize it.

There was a situation recently.  It was last night. My family and I,  we sat down to eat.  We had the meal there. My husband and I started to divvy out the meals and like, serve our kids. We always serve them first. Then they sit down. They start to eat. We served ourselves. And after serving the kids, you know, my littlest little, she has obviously some very small portions. And so, um, we sat down to begin eating as well. And by the time I'd finished serving the kids and sat down to start eating my meal, my littlest little was basically done. And, um, she'd finished her plate and she, you know, she wanted juice. And so she asked, "Mom, can I have some juice?" And I said, "Ofcourse you can have some juice." Well, the juice wasn't at the table. Juice was in the fridge and she's 4and she can't reach it, right? Also, she can't serve herself from this, you know, big jug of juice anyway. So she's gonna, you know, she's gonna need some help. And, um, she was pressing. She was very ademant. You know, I really want some juice. Can I get some juice? Will you get some juice? And she got up from the table and she came over to, you know, to my side of the table where I was seated. And she's like standing next to me as I'm sitting at, you know, sitting at this dining room table andtrying to, you know, eat my meal. And she was like, "Mom, can you get the juice? Hey mom, you said, you said, yes. Can I have the juice? Mom, will you get the juice for me?" And I told her, "Nadia. It's going to be a minute. I said, yes, I will get you the juice, but you're going to have to wait a minute. Mommy is eating. Mommy is eating." And, um, at that point my husband had, you know, he actually got up. He went to get up to go get the juice for her. Um, and I said, "No, like, no. Like, don't. Please don't do that. Please don't do that." Because I was teaching a lesson. That, for me, was a prime teaching moment to teach her a lesson about boundaries and about care. And just how–. I mean, consider, any mom can identify with this, but how many meals you eat cold because you're taking care of everyone else.

And that was actually what kind of got my attention. I fed everyone else. I'd sat down to eat. And as I, like, I'm not even halfway through my meal. And I already had noticed that the meal had started to go cold. And, um, and there, there was, you know, my daughter asking me for this juice. There's nothing wrong with her asking and absolutely she could have it. And also at what point was, I. Allowed permission to enjoy that meal without interruption. Was I going to have that cold meal or was I going to say no? You know what? This just was going to require a little bit of patience from you. I was teaching a lesson. I want my kids to also see how these sorts of little things matter. How, yeah, it's important for mom to be able to enjoy the hot meal too. How it's important for mom to be able to have that little bit of quiet that she needs to. How it's important for mom to have that time away when she needs it too, right? Whatever it is that are my needs, it is okay for me to procure them for myself. And it is okay for me to put someone else's needs to the side in order for mine to be met first. And in this case, I mean, obviously we can add all sorts of context to this, right? And obviously we're not talking about emergent needs. We're not talking about things like this.

This is no dire emergency. We want a cup of juice. Great. I would love to get, you know, give you the cup of juice. In fact, it brings me joy that you have the cup of juice. I remember times, listen, you guys know some of my story. Like, I remember times when I couldn't afford to buy juice for my kids. So it makes me incredibly proud and happy and thrilled that I get to go to the refrigerator and get this jug of fresh pressed organic juice for her. And yes, I would love for you to drink that. And also, I have to take care of me.

And so, um, I want to kind of leave that with you, leave that story with you because in what ways are you walking away from your plate. In what ways are you, right now, if you're a parent, right – or even if you're taking care of someone else, perhaps you're taking care of you know, another loved one or perhaps an aged parent or whatever it –  perhaps it's not children, perhaps you have other obligations, but can you identify for yourself in what ways you are eating that cold meal in order to take care of someone else's non-emergent needs? And what story does that tell not only to that person, but what story does that tell to you when you think about that? What does that say to you about yourself and about your own value and about your own, um, worthiness of being cared for and experiencing things in the fullest way?

I don't know about you, but I like to eat my meals warm. Like... and I don't mean in the microwave. So this is, you know, this is just a very tangible and like, real life example of what that can look like. And so I kinda want to challenge you to take inventory of ways  in your life right now where that's the case. Where you're getting up, leaving your plate, and then coming back to have that cold meal versus just saying," Hey, there's this boundary here. You're going to have to take a little bit of patience.  You know, I'll be with you in just a minute."

These little actions, they mean so much because the way that we treat ourselves is so important, the way that we treat ourselves conveys and communicates to the world around us, how they can treat us how they will be expected to treat us, but also just for ourselves and in terms of our own self perception. It speaks to our own worthiness and it speaks to our own value. And I want to push you and encourage you to lean further into your own value and prioritize yourself. Your wants, your desires, your dreams, your aspirations, those things that keep you up at night, prioritize them and make space for yourself when you need it. Make space for yourself when you need it. Whether that's the, again, that 10 minutes out in the car, or if that's the weekend away at the Airbnb, like, whatever that is for you, make the space.

Chelsea (2): This is something that for me, has allowed for me to actually show up in a more full, in a more robust way, and in a way that makes me feel more proud when I think about my parenting journey, um, and when I think about my journey as an individual, not just as a parent, not just at home and not even just in the context of my business, but how I feel as a, as a whole person. I feel so much more affirmed in my own value because I've begun  to prioritize my own needs and I've stopped. And, and please understand, like, this is always like a work in progress, right? So I'm always learning. I'm always improving, but I've stopped in many ways eating that meal cold. And, um, that feels so good. So what happens on, you know, on the other side of this exchange? What happens when you begin to implement these sorts of behavior when you really begin to own your quote/unquote selfishness here is you create space where you can feel well-nurtured, well-nourished, well-cared for, well-loved. You feel in balance. You feel well-aligned. And when you are full then, and only then, can you properly give to those people around you who you know, and who you love –  be that your family, be that your friends, be that your clients, whatever. That's the only time in place when you can do those things effectively.

And so, if you are consistently finding yourself eating that proverbial cold meal, I want you to also think about the spaces in your life where you're showing up defeated, where you're showing up feeling inadequate, where you're showing up as anything less than the best version of you because you're frankly just on E. And understand that those two things are related so it's time to make a change, okay?

So, I dunno if this hit home with you. This is just me saying: look, if you're a selfish mom, be like me. I'm a selfish mom. We can be selfish moms together, prioritizing our own happiness, prioritizing our own joy and our own wants and aspirations with the understanding that when we do that, we get to be better versions of us for our children, for our communities, for our clients. And we do a better job of creating the legacies that we're hoping to create through the work that we do and through the impact that we make on those people who have the privilege of sharing space with us and that's to be celebrated, right?

So I will. I will carry that badge. I'm a selfish mom. No, I don't regret it. And I hope that if this resonated with you, you'll wave your selfish mom flag, too.

This week, inside of the Hennapreneur Community over on Facebook, we're talking all about selfishness, okay? And how you can, and should, be a little bit more selfish today.

So if you'd like to join in on that conversation, you're welcome to join us in the Facebook group. You can find it at Hennapreneur.com/community. You can join us there and  I'd love to hear about your experience around selfishness and what all this kind of brought up for you hearing my experience and otherwise reflecting on your own as well.

So with that said, I'm going to jump off of here. I will talk to you all later. Bye for now!

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