ep. 045 • 3 Things to Release When You Aren't Yet Where You Want to Be

Chelsea: There's nothing quite like the pain of knowing that you desire and deserve more than what currently exists within your grasp. In business, this is particularly true because our success is directly dependent upon our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors. When your businesses' growth, your personal fulfillment, and your bank balance are all reflective of the work you put in, it can be particularly frustrating when you look around and find yourself unsatisfied or unhappy with what you've got. 

In this episode, I'm sharing three things that you need to release if you aren't where you want to be in your life and business today so that you can get to doing the important work of bringing your dreams to reality.

Welcome to the Hennapreneur podcast – the exclusive podcast of its kind dedicated to giving you an honest look at the realities of making a living as a henna professional.

I'm your host, Chelsea Stevenson, a tea-loving, shoe-collecting mother of three in constant search for the most popping pair of earrings and the perfect shade of red lipstick.

I'm also a professional henna artist and business strategist who went from barely being able to piece together a fluid design to being the owner of the most celebrated henna boutique in my city.

I'm on a mission to help henna professionals, to harness their skills and grow vibrant, profitable businesses that they absolutely love.

If you want to make more money with your art, you are definitely in the right place. Let's get to it!

Hey, hey, hennapreneurs! Welcome back to another episode of the Hennapreneur podcast. Today, I want to talk to you about something that's a little bit personal. This is definitely more of one of our mindset episodes, if you will. I want to talk to you about what happens when you are in a place where you're not where you'd like to be inside of your life or your business.

And what I'm talking about here is when you are, you know, you're doing the work, you're building the brand, you're staying up late, you're balancing and juggling life and you're putting in all of this work and all of this effort and yet you find yourself wanting more than what you've got. You find yourself feeling unsatisfied. You might find yourself feeling unhappy. 

What do you do at that point, right? What do you do when you're not where you want to be inside of your life and business? 

This is something that is inevitable, right? We, especially as very ambitious hennapreneurs, we're constantly looking above and ahead for the next milestone or the next big win that we're hoping to secure. And with that kind of habit, if you will, in terms of our tendency to look at what's on the horizon and perhaps not so much to really live and enjoy what we're experiencing right now, this can be something that actually can be very discouraging and can keep us playing small, or it can keep us almost falling behind, almost being willing to throw in the towel because we were feeling, you know, discouraged or feeling as though we're unsure that we can actually reach the goals that we have for ourselves. 

And so, today, I want to get a little bit personal with you in that I want to share three things that I have found to be useful. Three things that I have released, right? Three things that I make the active intention and the active decision to release when I find myself in a position where I want more than what I've got, or I want to be further along in my journey, or what have you. 

There are some things- some mindset work, some thought work, that I have found to be particularly helpful. And rather than focusing on doing more, or thinking more, or being more, I actually do lean towards the release of a number of pieces instead. And so those are the things that I really want to share with you. 

So the first thing is: I want to encourage you to release "shoulds", okay? So, "should" – I am talking about a couple of different types of shoulds, specifically. This can be the anticipatory or pre-qualifying shoulds. These would be things like, 

"Before I can do X, Y, or Z, I should 'blank'." 

Right? 

"Before I can book the clients, I should have a website." 

"Before I can post on social media, I should have the perfect picture to go alongside it." 

"Before I can, you know, put myself out there for this vendor event, I should really get business cards printed." 

"Before I–" 

Whatever, right? 

These anticipatory shoulds or pre-qualifying shoulds, these are shoulds that oftentimes get in the way of our making forward motion because they give us a valid premise in our mind's eye for procrastination. 

These anticipatory and pre-qualifying shoulds, these are things that we kind of identify for ourself as 'well, you can't do that until you've checked this box' and these boxes, oftentimes, aren't even really based in fact. 

They may be based in comfort, as in the comfort zone; and we know that nothing exciting ever happens there. They may be based in fear. They may be based in perfectionism or in procrastination, right? 

These anticipatory shoulds are shoulds that really often don't have much footing and yet they will catch us up and they will catch us up for a while. And this is what's really interesting, right? We won't even get to doing the work. We won't even get to make those steps forward in the direction that we're headed. We won't even do that because first there's some boxes to check. 

But who made those boxes, right? We always have to kind of lean in and interrogate there. Where did those boxes come from? And are they really a requirement, right? Is that really a prerequisite of your success? Is it a prerequisite that you have the website? Is it a prerequisite that you have the business card? Is it a prerequisite that you, you know, have the perfect image to go alongside of your social posts? Because I would argue that in most cases it's not. In most cases, the prerequisite is something that we put in front of ourselves because we want to do things well. 

And so this is the thing, right? We do want to honor that and we should honor that. We should honor the fact that we come with the greatest intention. We want to operate in excellence. We want to operate in integrity. And all of that is wonderful and these are characteristics of the Hennapreneur, and also, we can find ourselves getting in our own way by introducing these anticipatory shoulds and by introducing these prerequisites that are completely arbitrary. 

There are only a few prerequisites that are actually, like, valid and legitimate in our field.

You need to be working with natural henna. 

You need to be working with a safe product. 

You need to understand the chemistry of natural henna so that you can best advise your clients because we all know, also–perhaps we don't all know, right? – but there are times where even natural henna is not safe for use on some individuals and so we need to know these sorts of things, right? 

So there's always an exception to the rule, right? There are indeed actually pre-qualifiers that we should have, but beyond those few, right? Beyond actually using natural henna or having your business established or holding insurance prior to ever taking money and offering the service for someone else. Like, these are shoulds and also these are things that I would definitely say: this is a prerequisite in order to do this safely, in order to do this properly, in order to properly care for your clients and for yourself and for your business and for, you know, your own assets' sake. But then the rest is shoulds. There's a lot of shoulds in there.

Should I have a bank account? Well, of course it would be wonderful if you had a business bank account prior to starting, but do you have to have that right away? No. 

So long as you're tracking your income and you're tracking your expenses, you could certainly be using a personal account or you open up a separate personal account or, you know, you're working from some sort of system that's going to allow for you to track your revenue.

So, is there a should there? Yes. Is it valid? Sure, absolutely. But is it actually necessary? Is it an actual requirement? Probably not, right? 

And so, these sorts of anticipatory shoulds are these pre-qualifying shoulds. These are the shoulds that oftentimes will get in your way as such to the point that you won't even get started.

And so if you aren't where you want to be in your life and business right now, I would suggest taking a look at some of the beliefs that you hold around these pre-qualifying circumstances, okay? And if you can get beyond those, because that alone, therein lies quite the challenge, right? But if we can get beyond that, then we'll move into something I like to call parallel shoulds. And these are shoulds that come up as you're doing the work. These are shoulds that start to manifest in your mind. They're oftentimes fueled by insecurity. They're fueled by uncertainty. 

"Am I doing the right thing?" 

Right? 

"I'm not sure about this." 

That's where these parallel shoulds come up and parallel shoulds are a little bit interesting because they start as like a tiny, critical voice in the back of your head.

"I should do more." 

"I should be more present." 

"I should be more funny." 

"I should be more professional." 

"I should have more followers." 

"I should have more in my portfolio." 

"I should have more 'blank, blank, blank'." 

Right? And so it often starts as this, like again, this quiet whisper of criticism where you should be, do, have, more. Be better, do better, right? Whatever that is. 

And these should start to come up as we're doing the work, but they come up in this space because we're insecure that what we're doing is enough. It becomes a matter of: do we believe that what we're doing is good enough? Do we believe that we are good enough? Right? 

It comes down to a sense of, oftentimes, a deep-rooted sense of worthiness, readiness, deserving, even. These are very common things. 

And I will say from my experience, certainly, these parallels shoulds, oftentimes, they start out with that, like, just kind of heavy voice in the back of my head that's, like, just very self-critical. And that voice knows exactly what to say, right? 

That voice knows exactly what thing in the past to bring up, or what character flaw to point to, or what about us isn't good enough? 

And as these parallel shoulds start to appear and take root and if they're allowed the space to continue to be present and to distract you, slowly and surely, these shoulds all lead to one big should and it becomes very heavy to carry. 

And that is, "Perhaps I should just give up."

Right?

It starts this small little criticism and if allowed to develop, it will cultivate into this larger, "Hey, maybe you should just give up." 

And so we have to be cautious of these parallel shoulds and kind of check them when we find them because if you don't, it's only a matter of time before you find yourself looking in the mirror and going, "Wow, do I even want to do this anymore?"

I'm going to stop right here and say: there's not a time where I ever want to come to the table with the idea that like, throwing in the towel is wrong. There are certainly times when saying, "Okay, this ends here. This journey ends here. This chapter ends here." There are certainly times when that is a hundred percent applicable, right?

And so, this isn't to say that there aren't times where "Hey, maybe I should give up," isn't actually a very valid point. That it is something that happens, right? This is something that happens, but we just want to be aware when we're finding ourselves in the position of hearing that, experiencing that sort of thought process or thought cycle, we just kind of want to get in there and dig around and make sure that isn't tied to "should". What is that tied to actually, right?

So the first thing is to release our "should", okay? I get very, very uncomfortable when I find shoulds. Oftentimes, in coaching with the Pros in, you know, in my program, Hennapreneur PRO, we have group coaching every week. And when I start to catch "should" language, Ooh, that's a red flag. And oftentimes that's where we'll pause and we'll start to dig a little deeper and start to interrogate and start to really ask questions about where that's coming from. And this is why. 

So the second piece is that we need to release judgment, all right? 

So there's judgment from others, which is the obvious. There's judgment from others. And I don't know about you, but many times in my life, when I am on the precipice of making a very hard decision or I'm doing something that kind of goes against the status quo, or I'm putting myself out there in a way that might feel risky to others, or if I'm doing something that might look and feel challenging, there are oftentimes people who will find themselves in my ear, hoping to offer advice or hoping to offer their thoughts. And many times those thoughts come with a delicious layer of judgment whether they intend it to come off this way or not, right? 

Especially when you're dealing with loved ones, right? It might be a family member or close friend or someone who you respect. It might be a mentor. It might be a colleague. You might find yourself, you know, moving into or planning to, right? Starting to prepare yourself to move in the direction of where you'd like to be. And suddenly you find yourself getting feedback from people whose opinions you actually do value. And what you're receiving feels like judgment. It feels like they don't agree with your decision, or it feels like they don't really think that you can do it or that your reason for wanting to do it is wrong or insert whatever judgment here.

And judgment of others, depending on your personality type, because there are multiple personality types and each of them kind of handles judgment from others in different ways, right? And depending on your personality type, you may or may not be someone who's very impacted by this. I tend to be someone who's a little bit less impacted by judgment from others, but I know many people who are very impacted by judgment from others, right? Just the idea that someone might be judging them or the idea that someone might think something about them or feel a certain way towards them might be very alarming. And it might actually cause them enough discomfort that that would discourage them from taking action or from making the next move in the direction that they'd like to go.

And so if that's you, if you are someone who feels this, who finds themselves kind of caught up with feelings of hesitation, right? When you're experiencing the judgment of others. I just want to leave something with you. And this actually is very uncomfortable, but it's also true. People are going to judge you anyway, whether or not you're getting everything quote/unquote "right" or not, people will judge you anyway. 

People are going to judge you for the way that you do the things, the way that you say the things, the way that you celebrate the things, the way that you disclose the things, the things that you keep to yourself and the things that you publicize, they're going to criticize you. They're going to create their own opinions of you. They're going to write their own stories about what your life and your life experience is, and they're going to make judgments off of that. And there's no way to get around it. It is ineffable. 

In fact, people are judging you and you might not even be thinking of them at all, right? It's human nature. 

When you consider, you know, just leaving your home, right? You leave your home and if you imagine yourself walking down the street and you're headed to the shops and you cross paths with someone who looks a particular way or who's dressed in a particular way, or who you overhear on a phone call saying something, we would have no context at all. And yet it is our human nature to create a story around the little bits that we're able to perceive in order for us to empathize and in order for us to otherwise make sense of our surroundings. And when we're making sense of our surroundings, we are casting judgment in the process.

So it's not, you know, an inherently good or bad thing. In fact, I would argue that, you know, us making judgment of others, it's a survival mechanism, first of all. So we don't have to judge ourselves for doing this. And also we have to acknowledge the fact that when we are making judgment of others, it actually, studies show that actually our more critical judgment of others can actually create an environment just because of our own thinking processes, where we will be more critical of ourselves later. 

All this to say, you kinda just have to let it go, friend. You have to let go of the judgment from others. You have to let go of it. It's not your job. It is not your responsibility. And frankly, it's not your business to concern yourself with what anyone else thinks, believes, or feels about you. Your business is to do the things that are going to allow for you to live the best version of this one single life that you have. So you kind of just have to set that judgment to the side. 

And so here is the other piece of that judgment. That's self-judgment, right? Because you might experience this where you see, you know, judgment from other people and perhaps you are someone who's more like me and you can allow for those judgments to kind of just roll off of your back and you just proceed and you go on with life and yet, and yet, at the end of the night, perhaps you come back to your bed and as you lay your head on your pillow, you find yourself judging the things that you've done throughout the day.

Or perhaps you find yourself judging, you know, why you took an action or didn't take an action. Why did you say this rather than saying that? Why did you behave in this way? Why did you know, wear that thing? Why did you show up in this way? 

Self-judgment is so much more heavy for me, in my experience, because self-judgment oftentimes comes down to our own stories and our own belief systems and our own values. And oftentimes they're very informed by the societal norms that we experience, the constructs that we live in. And unfortunately for the majority of us, that social construct is one that is very white supremacist. It's very patriarchal. It's very sexist. It's very abelist. It's very... you insert the things. It's very set up to cause people like me and perhaps like you to be hypercritical of stuff.

And so that self-judgment, it does, in many cases, it is birthed and also is allowed to kind of grow and to flourish and to fester even under the surface in a way that impacts our identities. That's in direct contradiction, if you will, to our identities. And so when we experienced self-judgment, my suggestion would be to really pause and unpack where that is coming from. 

For me, when I find myself being particularly hyper-critical, which is very common, if I'm being honest. I'm getting better at this. I'm getting better at this. I'm learning to be more self-compassionate, I'm learning to be more curious, rather than judgmental, I'm learning to treat myself with more kindness and part of that journey is, and has been, to lean into inquiry to get curious, to begin to explore, to move pieces around when I find myself being hypercritical. 

And so where there are instances of very heavy self-judgment or harsh, severe self-judgment, that's where I want to unpack the things, you know? 

Whose voice is this in my head? 

Whose belief is this? 

Whose criticism is this really did this come from me? 

Do I truly have a problem with what I'm experiencing here?

Do I truly have a problem or a criticism of, you know, whatever this is that we're assessing? Or is this something that I'm carrying with me because of a time or an experience where I was judged by someone else. 

Does this go back to childhood? 

Does this go back to an experience with my parents? 

Does this go back to an experience with a friend who said something or maybe, you know, I was walking down the street one day and someone said something foul towards me and that stuck with me. And perhaps that criticism comes from that place – that unresolved, that unhealed hurt, right? You really want to get in there and unpack it. 

Sometimes the criticism isn't even- while it appears as self-judgment and appears as self-criticism, it actually isn't even something that has to do with our specific and individual trauma. It may just be that this is something that, again, is a societal norm, right? A societal norm that has been placed on our shoulders. And so if we act outside of that norm, then here comes the self-judgment. 

Many of us are female entrepreneurs, right? One of the constructs in our shared society, our shared experience, is that women are socialized to take care of others. We're socialized to prioritize the needs of others, and also, we are socialized to feel guilt when we don't show up as the version of our best self. 

So we on one hand are socialized to make sure that everyone else has their needs met and to be selfless, right? And to be sacrificing, self-sacrificial specifically. We are taught to be that way. And then we're also socialized in a way that says: and you need to still dress properly. Look well put together. You need to have your hair done. You need to have your nails done. You need to be, you know, slender. You need to be smart. You need to be witty. You also need to be seen and not heard. Right? So there's this very interesting experience that we have that many of us have as women in our collective society currently, right? And obviously there are different layers to this depending on what your life experiences. 

I can certainly speak to this, you know, as a Black Muslim woman in America and also, you're going to have your own experience with this, so please do add in whatever filters, whatever additional nuance to that equation that applies to you.

And so, when you are in that place, right? Where all of a sudden you've got all these societal constructs around you that say you should be this way and then you operate outside of that. Then, whoo, here comes the judgment. You are meant to take care of others. You're a meant to prioritize everyone else's needs. And so when you take time off, when you book the hotel room away, when you say to your spouse, "No, I need a couple of hours. You're going to have to take care of the kids. I need to go to the coffee shop," or "I'm going to go walk around Target," or "I'm going to go X, Y, Z," right? 

Then in comes the judgment. In flies in the severe, harsh judgment. What does that mean about you? You're selfish, right? You're not being thoughtful of others. You're asking too much. And when this sort of judgment starts to come into play, that also is one of those instances where we will find ourselves stepping back, contracting, stepping away from the work that we want to do and moving away from where we want to be and where we want to go right in our lives and businesses.

And so I want to encourage you to release judgment. Release the judgment of others and release judgment for yourself. Unpack where this self-judgment comes from. Identify it. If it's something that's legitimate, you're having self-judgment because this action or this behavior is not aligned with your values or your belief, your worldviews, okay. Then that's valid. Okay. There, we can spend some time. There, you can find another solution. But if that self-judgment is coming from anywhere else, we want to unpack that and we want to get rid of it and we want to move it out of the way so that you can begin to move forward in what's important to you.

So, the final thing that I would like to suggest that you release is your attachment to outcomes. And this is where people get really uncomfortable, oftentimes, because it's one thing to say that you want to build a business and it's, you know, one thing to say, like, "Yeah, go and put yourself out there and, you know, do the things," and when we do those things. We have our goalposts, right? We have these goals written out for ourselves, the milestones that we want to hit, the achievements that we want to make, the accolades that we want to claim. All of this, right? 

And that's wonderful. And also, we can't be tied to that. We can't be tied to it. We have to let go and we have to release the attachment to outcomes. 

So, in my experience, I always, and I say this often to my students, I've said this often here, it won't be the first time – it may be if you're new – but likely it's not the first time that you hear me say this: you need to map your actions to your aspiration, right? 

So the things that you're doing need to be very well-aligned with where you hope to go. 

So this isn't me saying that you shouldn't have the goalpost, or that you shouldn't have the milestone, or you shouldn't have the accomplishment, or the outcome, or that accolade in mind? No, no. Not at all. What I am saying is that you need to certainly ensure that your actual behaviors, the things that you're doing are properly aligned to that aspiration, right? So when we map our actions to our aspirations, then the next step is that we have to kind of just trust the process. And that's where I say it starts to get really uncomfortable because we're letting go of control and I don't know about you, maybe this is easy for you, I don't know, but I know for me, that's really hard, right? I want to know that I have control of the situation. I want to know that when I do X, I can expect Y. I want to know that, you know, when I do this over here, I can expect that over there. I love the comfort of cause and effect, right? 

And so, for me, it oftentimes can be a challenging because to let go of the outcome, to detach myself from the outcome, I have to trust. And so what am I trusting exactly? I am trusting that the universe is conspiring for my good, and I want to encourage you to trust in the same. We've got to trust that the universe is conspiring for our collective good. When you show up with the right intention, right? When you show up with integrity. When you move in that integrity, right? 

This is not, you know, it would be something if we're talking about causing harm or- but this doesn't apply here, we're talking about you building a legacy. We're talking about you building your own sense of identity, right? We're talking about you empowering yourself and empowering your family, perhaps even, with your business, with your art, right? And the financial means that are secured through that. 

We're talking about you leaning into personal development, and we're talking about you growing and becoming a better person, a more whole person, a more robust person, someone who is able to enter a space and because of your authenticity and because of the depth of your character, you're able to inspire the people around you to also live a little bit better themselves, right?

We are talking about changing the world by way of our art, by way of your skill and by way of the, connections that that art and skill allow for you to create. 

And so, when we show up in that energy of wanting good, not only for us, but also for our clients and for our families and for all of those who are impacted, you know, at the secondary or tertiary level of what we're doing and so forth, my goodness, we are working for good. And so we have to trust as well that the universe is conspiring for our good, and we need to cultivate the belief that even unanticipated outcomes benefit the future version of you, okay? 

I'm going to say that again, because I feel like this part often falls on deaf ears because no one really wants that, right? We always want to have the control. We want to know what the outcome is going to be. But I want to challenge you to cultivate the belief that even unanticipated outcomes benefit future you. 

Thinking to myself, when I look back over my life's journey, right? When I look at my life's journey: the way that I was raised as a child; the experiences that I had moving around, you know, as someone who moved around often because my family is military; when I look at, you know, my experience in having a late teen pregnancy or my experience in raising three children or, you know, having been married or purchasing a home; the career choices that I had; the restaurants that I worked in, or the fact that I worked as a social worker; the fact that I spent some time in the mortgage industry, all of these, like, little things, even down to the hobbies that I have, right? I loved to be on stage. I used to love to sing and act in the theater or to write or to read or to play guitar. All of these little things – the passions that we have, the experiences that we have, the bits of our character that become developed over our unique life experiences, all of those things serve as a- if you could imagine a working, living document that is your life's resume and all of those experiences, all of the growth that you encounter, all the challenges that you overcome, all of the experiences that you have and that you moved beyond all of those things begin to form that resume.

And so, even in instances where there was an unanticipated outcome for you in the past, that unanticipated outcome served you in some way. Perhaps it taught you a lesson. Perhaps it developed something inside of you. Perhaps it awakened a part of your character that maybe light hadn't been shed on prior. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps, right? 

But all of these things, they always benefit future you because the you today wouldn't be you today without those experiences and future you will not be prepared, will not be set up, she or he or they, will not be as set up as they could be if you shy away from having experiences now, right? 

I'm going to say that one more time the future you cannot be properly situated, cannot have, will not have, the right insight or as much knowing – and I mean knowing as in lived experience – as future you could have, if you choose today to shy away from doing the things out of fear that you might encounter an unanticipated outcome. 

So I want to encourage you to do these three things. I'd like to suggest releasing "shoulds", releasing judgment, and releasing your attachment to any outcome specifically, trusting that what's coming – so long as your actions are well aligned with your aspirations – trusting that what's coming is for your good, okay? 

So I am going to wrap up this episode. I'm hopeful that this feels good to you. I'm hoping that this is the landing. I'm hopeful that in hearing what I'm sharing with you and these three things that you could release when you're not yet where you want to be. I'm hoping that by implementing this in your own life, you'll find more peace. I'm hoping that you'll find more self-compassion and I'm hoping that you'll find more permission, even, to move forward in the ways that are most important to you. 

And I'd love to ask if you'd like to join us in the Hennapreneur Community over on Facebook. If you're not already a member, definitely pop over to the show notes. There's a link there where you can join us in the Facebook group. But I'd love to hear from you there about how this is showing up for you right now. What shoulds, perhaps, are kind of weighing on your shoulders and keeping you from taking the next steps towards your big dreams? What judgment, perhaps, is kind of like lingering there in your mind whispering those, you know, those horrible things to keep you from taking the actions that you need to take? And what outcomes are you so attached to? What outcomes do you need to just kind of release so that you can begin to move forward in your journey? I'd love to hear about these. I would love to hear about these.

So I invite you to pop over into the Facebook group. We can chat about that and I'm hopeful, I'm hopeful that with a little bit of release, you'll find a little bit of ease, a little more ease, and a little more, again, excitement and permission for what you can have to come. All right, I'll talk to you all next time. Bye for now.

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