ep. 020 • Managing Negative Self Talk As A Business Owner

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Chelsea Stevenson: Welcome to the Hennapreneur podcast - the exclusive podcast of its kind, dedicated to giving you an honest look at the reality of making a living as a henna professional. I'm your host, Chelsea Stevenson, professional henna artist and business strategist. I teach budding henna artists and seasoned henna pros alike how to build vibrant, profitable businesses doing what they love. I went from being the girl who could barely piece together a fluid design to being owner of the most celebrated henna boutique in my city and with years of experience growing my own business and helping others to do the same, I'm here to spill all the tea on what it takes to be a bonafide hennapreneur. Our show starts in just under 60 seconds, but first, here's a quick shout out to my sponsors. This episode is brought to you by my new free, on-demand training “The 5 Mistakes New Henna Artists Make (And How YOU Can Avoid Them)!”

Are you an aspiring henna artist or a henna enthusiast who has really big dreams about working with henna? Maybe you're struggling with sourcing quality henna paste or preparing it yourself is really more challenging than you expected. Perhaps you're curious about what it takes to work as a henna artist professionally or you think you might be ready to start taking clients, but you're just not sure where to start. If so, this training is for you. Inside of this training, I'm teaching all of the foundational information you must know about henna before you ever take your first client. I also lay out the basics of what henna is and how it works so that you can get started confidently working with henna moving forward. I teach you some really insightful tips about how you can protect yourself and your budding business from the very beginning with a number of best practices, and I'll outline the five most common mistakes that I see new and aspiring henna artists make so that you can get started without all of the hassle and the headache of falling into those traps. To register for the training and to watch it instantly on demand, you can visit hennapreneur.com/biggestmistakes. All right, let's get to the show.

Hey, hey hennapreneurs, welcome back to another episode of the Hennapreneur podcast. I am excited to be connecting with you today in our first episode of February 2020. As we enter into this month of love I thought it would be really great just to kind of focus our attention on being a little bit more personal this month, if that's okay. And so I want to spend some time over these next couple of weeks talking with you, connecting with you about, um, some of the, I guess more private struggles, um, challenges, um, insight if you will, that I have encountered or, attained over the years working as a hennapreneur. And so this month I really want to focus on, just, the more personal, more intimate portions of building a henna business and specifically how to build a henna business that you love on a personal level as well.

You know, I feel that many times we look at our business and we only gauge its success or we only gauge how well we're doing from the professional perspective. What our revenue is or how many clients we're seeing or how, you know, happy we are with what our website looks like or how our social media is converting and all of those things. And those are all obviously, obviously, totally valid indicators of how well a business is doing but beyond that, I think that it's super important for us to be mindful also of the um, the personal investment and the toll, the toll that running a business takes on a person, you know, at that individual level. And so, today I want to talk to you guys about something that everyone experiences though many people often will not acknowledge publicly, and that is negative self talk. Okay? And the reason I bring this up is, you know, coming into this new year, there is so much energy around, you know, the start of the new year, what are your goals, where are you going? And all of that is great. And I am, I'm here for it, right? Like, I am feeding into that energy 100%. I'm feeling it. I'm feeling really well aligned with it. I am feeling great about 2020 about the whole concept of entering into a new year and entering into a new decade. And I'm very excited about what 2020, and this new decade holds for me and for my business. And, and for you and for yours as well. Right. But there is that other side of the coin and that is that when you start to set goals and when you start to vocalize and acknowledge where you'd like to go, it's very easy for you to also then start to feel on the inside, perhaps, feelings of fear. We'll start with fear, for sure. There's definitely the opportunity for inadequacy to kind of sneak in. Feelings of not being good enough. Feelings of being unworthy of attaining that level of success, whatever that success looks like to you. Um, and for me, this is something that I notice also. You know, it, it comes up. It comes up and when it— when it comes up though, you have to be able to push through it and you have to be able to still kind of stay the course in your business and not allow for that negative self talk to come in.

So I wanted to get a little bit more personal with you guys today and just chat with you about my experience as, not only as a business owner, but also just as a human being, right? Um, if you guys are not familiar, I've been pretty vocal in the past — prior to the podcast. If you're, if you're familiar with me prior to the podcast — um, you know, I've, I've been vocal in the community about mental health and how I feel about mental health, the importance of mental health and how mental health is definitely something that stays top of mind for me at all times as someone who copes with dealing with depression and dealing with anxiety as well. And so, you know, being that business owner who struggles with both depression and anxiety and is still able to maintain a successful and thriving business, many times I'll receive, you know, questions at a private capacity. You know, questions about, "Well, how do you manage this or how do you manage that?" or "What do you do when you just feel down about yourself?" And so I thought that this was a great opportunity for me to come and kind of chat with you guys about that.

So I'll take a step back and just kind of introduce you, if you will, to what has been my experience. You know, when I first started my business, I definitely was not the most knowledgeable. I was not the best artist. If you look at some of my work, it was subpar, for sure. Um, I— there was so much for me to learn and there was so much space for me to grow, but I needed to start working immediately and I needed to be profitable immediately. And so that really informed the direction that I went in my business. And so I immediately, you know, upon beginning to render services to the public, started charging a sustainable rate. And I, you know, was doing all of the things to make sure that I was profitable because I had to, right? Like I needed, um, from the very beginning to be able to keep food on the table for myself and my son as a single parent. And, um, in that space there was a lot of hesitation and there was a lot of, um, while there was certainly fear of, you know, judgment and fear of being called, you know, I don't know what, I don't even know what I thought people would call me. Not good enough or being called, perhaps, you know, I don't even know. That's the thing. Isn't that, isn't that amazing? Kind of the workings of the mind. We can so quickly jump to the assumption that someone might think or say something about us that might be negative and what that might be, we can't even be sure. And, um, all of those things, they all come down to the same route and that is that there's that negative self talk that becomes present. And for me, when I first started working with henna, that was one of the things that I had to push through. And it was the pressure of survival if you will, that um, that really continued to press me towards, you know, reaching my goals and staying the course even through that negative self talk. But I'll tell you that I'm no stranger to having, um, having thoughts of, uh, you know, "Is my work good enough?" Or you know, "Is my service good enough?" or "Are people going to like me?", "Am I pretty enough?", "Am I smart enough?", "Am I good enough to be that henna artist who people are going to look to?" Um, everything from, you know, "How are people going to perceive me when I post this picture of a design that I did that I'm proud of?" to, you know, "What are people gonna think when I post this selfie? Are they going to notice my double chin?" Like, there's so many elements to negative self talk that can kind of just sneak in and um, and they can cause you to hesitate and they can cause you not to take the leap in your business where, where you could, right?

And so, for me, I've found over the years that, one, the best way to push through that negative self talk is to, is to combat it with truths, right? So, many times, you know, when I find myself up against the wall and I start to hear myself saying things, um, saying things to myself that are unkind, right? Like, saying things to myself that I'd never say to someone else, that's when I try to combat those things with things that are true. So I'll literally ask myself, you know, "Is what you're saying true? Is this thought process true?" Um, and if it's not, you know, then where are some examples where you can prove that that's not true. So let's say, for example, you know, you guys know that I'm a homeschooling parent. I have three kids. My kids right now are 3, 5 and 10. And I started my business when my 10 year old was one. He was very little. He was a toddler. And so the length of my business ownership has spanned through the childhoods of, you know, of all of my kids. And one of the ways that negative self talk has often tried to kind of sneak in, for me, as a hennapreneur has been with, you know, in the context of my children, "Was I present enough?", "Am I a good mom?", "Am I giving them enough time?", "Am I doing enough for them?" And um, and that mom guilt, right? Like it, it, it can be really heavy. It can be really heavy and it can sneak in on you. And when the— that sort of negativity kind of creeps in and you start to have questions and you start to kind of doubt yourself, that's where you find yourself holding back from taking on opportunities. And this is something that I found myself doing. I would, out of fear of, you know, "Am I being a good enough mom?", "Am I being present enough with my children while also running my business? ", "Am I giving them enough time?" Especially during peak festival season, you guys know how it is, there's that, that fear, right? And so once that negative self talk would kind of start to settle in, then I'd find myself saying no to things that were made for me. Saying no to opportunities that were totally open to me, that, um, that I was worthy of and deserving of. And instead of, you know, instead of posting that thing on social media and sharing, you know, that big win or, you know, continuing to market my business in a way that would, that would move it forward at the pace that I really wanted to, I would hold back. I would hold back because I didn't want to add to my client load anymore because, you know, it's enough that I'm already, you know, missing dinner time at, you know, you know, every Wednesday, Thursday, Friday or whatever that was.

And so how I've learned to combat things like this when it comes to that negative self talk is that I'll remind myself of three ways, you know, three reasons, three instances, where I prove that negative self talk to be wrong. So when I would have, you know, these moments where I think to myself, "Ooh, Chelsea, you know, you're not a good enough parent," or "You're not being the greatest mom," or, um, you know, "You're a bad mom," even. Like, I'll even go that far. "You're a bad mom because you prioritize your business over your children." Then I would have to pause. And I'd pause and I'd, you know, say to myself, "Okay, is this true?" I'm like, "I don't believe that it's true. Do I feel that way sometimes? Sure." Right? "But is it true?" And at that point, I'll go back and I'll look for three instances where I can prove that that's not true to myself. And this is actually, this is a technique that's used in cognitive behavioral therapy and it's something that I learned in working with my own therapist years ago. And it's really stuck with me and it's been very helpful to me even even in the business arena and that's why I choose to share it with you today. Um, but you know, in that case, you know, I would go back and I'd think to myself, "Okay, you know, where do— where are three instances where I can prove that I wasn't a bad mom. That I didn't, you know, leave my children abandoned so that I could go do henna," or something like this, you know. Um, and I'll remind myself, "No, you know what? You went to every ballet practice, you know," um, "You prioritized that recital over that gig," or, "You know, your kid needed you for X, Y, Z and so you found a replacement," or "You..." Whatever. You know, whatever, whatever sort of truth, whatever living proof there was, um, to help combat that, I'll just identify those things for myself. And it really makes addressing that negative self talk much easier. But I'll tell you, sometimes the challenge is identifying the negative self talk at the source because negative self talk can be quite pervasive, right? Like sometimes it just kinda creeps in. You don't even see it coming and it just hits you. And for me, I found over the years, that many times I would experience more and more negative self talk when I wasn't careful of the company that I kept, honestly, inside of my business.

And so, I mean, you guys know, if you're a member of the Hennapreneur community on Facebook, I have worked really, really hard to maintain and to cultivate a culture of community, of collaboration, of support, inside of that group. And that's not by chance. There is something to be said about having a community around you that will rally behind you, that will support you, that will cheer you on when you're doing well, that will come and give you advice or just even lend a listening ear when something goes wrong. And when you are having those moments of negative self talk, when you're having those moments of, 'I don't know if I can do this' or 'I don't know if I'm good enough to do this' or um, you know, 'I did it and it didn't work out the way that I wanted so what does that mean about me', having a community behind you that's willing to come and say, "Hey, listen! No, we think you're awesome and here's some reasons why... Like, you did that." All of that can also help you as you're dealing with that negative self talk as well. So even, you know, bringing in some additional support, if you will, from the external is so, so worth it. Um, and having that community around you when you're doing the hard things, right, running a business is a hard thing. So having good company around you while you're in that process is 100% a priceless, priceless, resource to you. Um, and that's something that, for me, has definitely been useful. Now, today when I experienced negative self talk and I, you know, I notice it, the thing— one of the first things that I do is, you know, when I find that that thing is kind of lingering around and I just can't shake it for whatever reason, that's when I touch base with my community. I have, you know, a business mastermind that I work with. I have a mentor that I work with. And, you know, together I will go in and say, "Hey listen, this is what's going on. I keep having these thoughts and it's really, it's starting to get to me," you know? And having those people available to be a sounding board and also to just affirm me and remind me that, "No, you know, all of this is just— it's just talk. It's just in your head and you are capable and worthy and fully able to reach your goals and reach your aspirations." That is something that is priceless. Um, so I encourage you also, if you, if you struggle with negative self talk, don't hold it to yourself. Be open. Be open about those things that you're experiencing because everyone experiences negative self talk. Um, but when you are able to bring in the additional support of a community around you, it makes coping with those things so much easier.

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Now certainly in my experience, and even in supporting other hennapreneurs as well, what I often found is that once negative self talk kind of creeps in it almost becomes paralyzing. Not, not so much because of the fear itself or not so much because of the sense of unworthiness and so forth. It typically is that negative self talk will kind of creep in and then what causes us to then fail in our business, um, for whatever reason, and I say fail and I— and that doesn't necessarily mean that the whole business crashes and burns. That's not what I'm referring to in this context. I'm referring literally to, you know, the business owner, that henna artist, no longer being able to perform in the way that they wish that they could, and they feel that sense of failure. And then it becomes almost like this vicious cycle. And what I find is that many times, once that starts to, once that starts to happen, then there becomes this ongoing sense of self doubt that kind of— it trickles in and then it kind of spills over into all aspects of business. And so this might, um, come to fruition. And it might kind of come to the surface and bubble to the surface in the form of procrastination. Uh, oftentimes it's procrastination. Uh, "I'll, I'll do that thing later." Uh, you know, "I know I should do this thing for my business, but I'll, I'll put it off. I'll, I'll do it later." Um, or, um, if it's not procrastination, it may just be blatant, um, negligence. You know, "I, I don't want to do that thing. I'm not going to look at my Google analytics. I'm not going to look at my cash flow systems. I'm not going to look at my email. I have, you know, so many notifications. I'm not going to open it and I'm not going to read them." Um, and once you start to get into those spaces where procrastination or just pure negligence begin to come into play, then you start to see that there are cracks within the business and you'll find that the business as a whole suffers.

So, for me, when I, when I experience negative self talk, that's— that honestly is where I become quite alarmed and I try to do the best that I can to manage that negative self talk early on versus allowing it to grow. Because once it reaches that place of procrastination or negligence, then you'll see that there, there's— you're bound to experience a negative impact in your business. I'll tell you, for me, this is something that I experienced even, you know, in the— in those early years where — especially when I was still, you know, feeling kind of insecure about my work as a whole — I was feeling kind of insecure about where I was going in my business even though I felt capable, most days. And I felt like I was headed in the right direction, most days. And I felt like I was good enough, most days, to make it happen. But there was this, like, nagging kind of doubt behind me, um, in my mind that— this, kind of this whisper that said, "But who are you?" Right? Like, "Who are you?", "Who are you to open a henna business?", "Who are you to make that type of money working part time?", "Who are you to..." And this kind of guilt came in and this kind of, um, doubt and this kind of just negative energy would kind of sneak in. And as I mentioned, as you know, being someone who copes with depression and who copes with things, it also, I would find that that would trigger those anxious behaviors and that would trigger those anxious feelings. And, um, so I would, you know, if I would come into a time and place inside of my business where I was feeling those negative feelings and I was hearing those— that sort of negative self talk and I was also having this flare up of anxious feelings and anxiety and, you know, in general, then if there was a trigger, like, I dunno, like receiving too many emails in a day or even just seeing that little red notification on my phone saying, "Hey, you know, someone has messaged you on Instagram," I would get really uncomfortable and I would just choose to kind of avert my eyes and act as though this, this wasn't a thing. And this is a prime example. It's a prime example of how that negative self talk can kind of come in and cause you to procrastinate or can cause you to be negligent. And so I say it not just because I've seen it, I say it also because I've lived that and I don't want you to experience that as well.

So the best thing that you can do is to be proactive about the way that you feel about yourself and about your business. Um, and I do this, I know it sounds super cheesy you guys, but I do this by way of affirmations. Um, I keep a journal. I keep affirmations written on Post-it notes and on other, you know, cardstock. I love stationary. It's one of my favorite things. And so I keep, you know, quotes with affirmations and things in my workspace. keep them on my laptop. I keep them on my phone. Um, and I have even— the first thing, you know, that I do in the morning when I wake up, there's a mirror that I have to pass to, you know, to leave from my bedroom. And when I pass that mirror there is an affirmation on that mirror that I see. And it's the first thing that I read every single day. And by having those affirmations around me and just by constantly speaking kindness and speaking life and speaking truth, right? Speaking wisdom to myself. Um, and also just speaking positivity about who I am, those things that remind me who I am and how capable I am and how worthy I am. All of those things help to feed that, like, positive bank, if you will. And so when negative self talk now comes in and attempts to disrupt something that's, you know, that's going on in my life or attempts to disrupt me when I'm in the process of strategizing something for my henna business, I have this overflow of positivity and I have this overflow of self belief that helps me to combat that. Does it always work immediately? No. Are there times where negative self talk comes in and it makes it difficult for me? Absolutely. I am not in any way saying that, oh, just try some affirmations and then you'll never speak negatively to yourself again. That's not what I'm saying at all. This is something that everyone deals with and that this is something that's ongoing. This is a lifelong thing, right? But as a business owner, we have to be even more mindful of the way that we speak to ourselves.

And so I find that keeping those affirmations nearby makes, um, it makes that process much easier and it causes me to be much more perceptive. It causes me to be much more aware of what I'm putting into my mind of what I'm putting into those thought banks, if you will, of my own perception of self and so forth. And by having that resource available to me and by having that practice available, I have found that it's been very, very, very transformational, I'll say, for how I feel about myself and in turn how I feel about my business. Um, which of course how you feel about you and how you feel about your businesses is going to directly impact how well you actually do in practice, right? And so, you know, I wanted to kind of just share that with you guys today because I think so often when we think about building a business that we love, we really do look at it from the nuts and bolts sort of perspective. The operational perspective and what that looks like from a financial perspective and so forth. But beyond that, we also have to ensure that we're taking care of ourselves in the context of just how we speak to ourselves and the way that we engage with ourselves when, um, when that self doubt comes in, and likewise.

So I hope that this episode is useful for you. I feel, honestly, of course I feel vulnerable sharing, sharing my experience in this way with you. But I hope that it serves someone out there, even if it's for that one listener that takes benefit then it was worth it. Because, you know, it is so important for us as business owners, as hennapreneurs, to be cognizant of our thought processes and to be very, just, kind. To be kind to ourselves. I'd love to continue the conversation about negative self talk and about, you know, how that might impact you as a hennapreneur and as a business owner. If you haven't already, I'd love to invite you to join me inside of the Hennapreneur community on Facebook. There, I'll be inviting you guys to just share a little bit of your experiences and what helps you to push through a negative self talk. And, um, I think that this is something that's incredibly useful and I think that having these sorts of candid conversations and vulnerable, yes, but useful conversations, could benefit the community at large as we navigate how to be the business owner we want to be while also honoring that person who we want to be as well. All right guys, until next time.

Hey babe! I wanted to give you a quick thank you for tuning into the show today. That was super cool of you to hang with me all the way until the end. Of course, I've got all the links that you might need from this episode inside of the show notes that you can find at hennapreneur.com/podcast.

If you enjoyed the show and want to stay in the loop with Hennapreneur, be sure to subscribe to the podcast too. You'll get all of the new episodes as soon as they come out. I'd be so grateful if you'd take the time to rate or leave a review on Apple Podcasts while you're there. That tells iTunes that, "Hey! Hennapreneur is about something good!" and it helps us to reach more artists who would love the show. All right, that's all for today. I'll be back soon with another episode but for now, let's get back to work, hennapreneurs!